My 15-year-old son lives with my ex-husband in Texas.
He hates it. Sends me text messages every day, communicating this in a myriad of ways to convince me to bring him back home to live with me in Arizona.
I draw a hard line and do not consent. We’ve been through a lot together the past few years from the school superintendents office, to the police station to the juvenile courts, and I have had enough.
He doesn’t understand this. He says over and over that he’s changed and that I’m a hypocrite because I don’t believe in second chances. He whines. I image his thin face; strong jaw protruding. My son is not in a mindset to understand my decision. He is not in his heart. That would be a lot to ask a 15-year-old boy - to live and breath from his heart. But I pray he does.
I feel the devastation of his words and am guilt ridden. What mother would turn her child away? I can feel the impulse to cover up these emotions. Old stories of the terrible mother archetype come to mind. I have this nagging fear that I will be placed in a care home by my children when I am old.
These thoughts are ridiculous at best.
I recall the danger my son put our household in with his decisions and choice of friends. I become unrelenting, and the devastation and guilt transform into a new shape and becomes clarity.
A clarity that says, unconditional love doesn’t mean that there are no boundaries in place. It means you love yourself and those you’re placing a boundary with, so much, that you are willing to enforce that boundary so that the learning or awakening that is supposed to occur as a result of the boundary can take place.
I recognize the error in judging myself for having the boundary.
I love myself and my son enough to give him the opportunity to learn what ever lessons, to cultivate the inner wisdom, and behavioral discipline that will be presented because of this boundary. Cheating him of this opportunity would be disempowering and who am I to disempower him?
I remind myself that I am not responsible for how he feels or how he see’s my decision. I can only choose to love him unconditionally. And so I choose that. Unconditional love with boundaries that support the expansion of both of our souls.
My mind needed to “hear” this. This message that came from deep within the knowing of my own heart and wisdom teacher. The message that I know my son’s highest version knows and understands as well even if his 15-year old mind doesn’t.
I release the guilt and move into love’s sweet arms.