How to Communicate Resentments Constructively and Strengthen Your Relationship

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In relationships, unresolved feelings and unspoken thoughts can create emotional distance and misunderstandings. When we hold back our true thoughts and emotions, it can create invisible barriers in our relationships. A withholding conversation is a structured way for couples to share these withheld feelings in a safe, supportive environment. This practice allows both partners to express themselves openly, leading to deeper understanding and stronger connections. In this guide, I’ll show you how to establish boundaries, set the right tone, and ensure both you and your partner feel heard and understood.

Let’s explore the key steps to initiate withholding conversations that foster deeper understanding and connection in your relationship.

Step 1: Establish Boundaries in Advance

To make withholding conversations effective, it’s essential to establish a structure and set boundaries ahead of time, preferably when both partners are in a positive emotional space. This proactive approach allows you to maintain connection and healthy communication, rather than merely reacting to conflicts as they arise.

When you’re both feeling connected, take the time to discuss the framework for these conversations. This includes agreeing on the structure, guidelines, and boundaries that will help facilitate future conversations effectively. Additionally, review all the steps outlined here together to ensure you’re both on the same page. By discussing these steps in advance, you create a solid foundation for addressing sensitive topics in a constructive and supportive manner.

• Time Limit for Speaking: The person expressing the initial concern should speak for no longer than 3-5 minutes at a time before passing the baton to the other person to confirm their understanding. After the initial concern has been expressed, it's recommended to limit responses to 2 minutes before allowing the other person to speak. This ensures a balanced exchange where both partners feel heard and prevents the conversation from becoming one-sided. It’s important that this is done respectfully, without condescension or patronizing tones.

• One Person Speaking at a Time: Only one person should speak at a time while the other listens actively and attentively. Try your best not to interrupt, as doing so is an example of waiting to speak rather than listening to understand. The goal is to foster understanding, not to debate or dominate the conversation.

• 1-10 Trigger Gauge: Incorporate a "1-10 gauge" system to help manage emotional responses during the conversation. If either person begins to feel triggered, they can communicate this by saying, "I'm at a 4," meaning they are starting to feel triggered but it’s still manageable. A 2-3 is normal, especially when just starting out with these conversations. A 5 indicates rising tension, and if someone reaches a 6 or 7, the conversation should be paused. During the pause, both partners should engage in calming activities such as going for a walk, taking a cold shower, or practicing breathing exercises until they return to a receptive baseline.

These boundaries are essential to establish in advance, and it’s helpful to write them down to hold each other accountable as you go through this learning process. With consistency and practice, this process will start to feel like an easy and natural way to resolve conflicts.

Step 2: Seek Willingness

Once your conversation boundaries are in place, you can feel more confident that you have a strategy to handle difficult situations that arise. 

But how do you know when it’s time to have a withholding conversation? If you find yourself holding onto thoughts or feelings that are causing you stress or resentment, it might be time to clear the air with your partner.

When you notice this need, approach your partner to see if they’re open to having a withholding conversation. Understand that just because you’re ready doesn’t mean your partner is. 

For example, if your partner has had a long, difficult day at work and doesn’t have the energy for a deep conversation, it’s important to respect that. While it may be hard not to take this personally, remember that your partner is taking care of themselves in the moment so they can be more present with you later. If your partner isn’t ready, ask them to suggest another time or take a short break before continuing. It’s important to respect their timing so that both of you can be fully present during the conversation.

If you’re feeling a lot of emotion around them not being able to talk at that moment, continue to journal, meditate, or find other healthy ways to express your energy so you stay in a calm state and avoid picking a fight.

If your partner is available and willing to have the conversation, proceed with the agreed-upon structure:

Step 3: Set a Time Limit

Agree on a duration for the conversation, ideally no more than 30-45 minutes.

If the conversation runs longer, it’s best to stop at the agreed-upon time and agree to resume within a reasonable timeframe, preferably within the next 24 hours or as soon as possible. This ensures that both partners remain emotionally present and the discussion stays focused.

Step 4: Pre-Process Your Feelings

Before initiating the conversation, take time to process your feelings.

This could involve journaling with prompts like "What am I truly feeling?" or "What past experiences might be influencing my emotions?" Speaking with a coach or trusted confidant can also help clarify your thoughts. This step ensures that when you bring the issue to your partner, you’re able to communicate in a clear and constructive way.

Step 5: Use Non-Blaming Language

When you begin the conversation, focus on how the situation made you feel rather than placing blame.

Use "I" statements like, "When this happened, I felt…" instead of "You made me feel…" to help prevent defensiveness and keep the conversation constructive. The goal is to express your feelings and perceptions without making your partner feel attacked.

Step 6: Choose the Right Time

Select a time that works for both of you, ensuring that you’re both in a good emotional space—meaning neither of you is tired, stressed, or distracted.

If finding the right time is challenging, agree to revisit the conversation at a set time each week to ensure it doesn’t get postponed indefinitely.

Step 7: Supportive Listening for the Receiving Partner

If you’re the partner receiving the information, approach the conversation with an open heart and mind.

If you start to feel defensive, take a few deep breaths to stay present. Remember that your partner is not trying to blame or judge you, even though the conversation may be triggering. Try to keep your body relaxed.

After your partner has shared what they’ve been withholding, reflect back to them what you understood them to say and clarify if you heard them correctly. If you didn’t understand fully, continue asking questions until you have a clear understanding of their concerns. Then, respond from your perspective, aiming to maintain an open and supportive dialogue.

Step 8: Reflect and Close

After the conversation, take a moment to reflect on what was shared and how it was received.

Acknowledge each other’s efforts and consider scheduling a brief follow-up conversation to check in on how you’re both feeling and to discuss any next steps. Remember that this is an ongoing process and these conversations should become a regular part of your relationship maintenance.

Incorporating withholding conversations into your relationship can significantly enhance your communication and emotional connection. These steps are designed to help you navigate difficult emotions and conversations in a way that strengthens your bond.

If you missed last week's blog, Addressing Unresolved Issues for Emotional Healing in Relationships, be sure to check it out for more insights on fostering a healthier, more connected relationship. For additional guidance on building stronger connections and fostering open communication, stay tuned for our upcoming posts!

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