The Power of Being on the Same Team in Relationships
Word Count: Approximately 1,365 words
Estimated Reading Time: 7-8 minutes
One of the number one rules that will help couples begin to repair their relationship, develop trust, and create a safe space for intimacy to flourish is to agree that they are on the same team. If you can’t agree that you’re on the same team, then there is no point in being in a relationship. It’s that simple.
As a relationship and intimacy coach, I’ve seen time and again how transformative this mindset is. When both partners commit to being on the same team, they’re saying, I’m willing to look at things differently. I’m willing to see myself and you differently. can be.
So, what does being on the same team actually look like?
Being on the same team means that you communicate openly and honestly, respect each other’s unique processes, and recognize that you’re both working towards the same goals and that your relationship is a partnership where each person’s well-being is prioritized.
It’s also about giving each other the benefit of the doubt by not making assumptions.
We often make assumptions based on past experiences, which can be limiting. Instead, we should approach each situation with the possibility that people can change and grow. This means letting go of assumptions and being open to seeing your partner as they are now, not as they were in the past.
It’s important to not think about your partner in the negative or limiting ways that you may have thought of them, even if they’ve proven you right time and time again. This kind of thinking creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you assume the worst, that’s what you’ll continue to see. But when you’re on the same team, you choose to see your partner in a new light, to approach them with curiosity and openness, and to build a foundation of trust where both of you can thrive.
Here’s a simple but powerful exercise you can do to remind yourselves of this commitment.
Grab a Sharpie and write “We are on the same team” on a piece of paper or a sticky note, and post it somewhere you’ll see it every day—like on your refrigerator. This daily reminder can help you stay aligned with your shared goals and values, especially when things get tough.
Seeing those words every day will remind you both that no matter what happens, you’re in this together. You’re not opponents; you’re partners, and your goal is to navigate life’s challenges as a team. When you start from this place of unity, you create a foundation of trust, safety, and intimacy that allows your relationship to thrive.
When you’re on the same team, you:
Communicate Openly and Honestly: Instead of making assumptions about each other’s intentions or feelings, you ask questions and seek to understand where your partner is coming from. This helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters a deeper connection.
Respect Each Other’s Processes: You acknowledge that your partner may have a different way of processing emotions or dealing with situations, and you respect that difference. It’s not about who’s right or wrong but about honoring each other’s unique ways of handling things.
Avoid Making Assumptions: You approach each situation with an open mind, letting go of past grievances or expectations that may no longer be relevant. This allows you to see your partner as they are now, not as they were in the past.
Support Each Other Through Challenges: When conflicts arise, you remember that you’re on the same team, which means working together to find solutions rather than blaming or attacking each other. You’re committed to each other’s well-being and to the health of the relationship.
Prioritize the Relationship: Being on the same team means that the relationship comes first. You both work to maintain trust, connection, and mutual respect, understanding that this foundation is crucial for long-term success.
Remembering that you’re on the same team becomes even more crucial when you’re triggered. It’s in those heated moments, when emotions are running high and tensions are at their peak, that we’re most likely to forget this fundamental principle. But these are also the moments when it matters the most.
When you’re triggered, it’s easy to see your partner as the enemy—as someone who is against you rather than with you. This is where the concept of the "hot potato" comes in.
Imagine you’re in a situation where something your partner says or does triggers you. You feel a surge of emotion, maybe anger or frustration, and it feels like you’re holding a hot potato. Your instinct might be to throw it—perhaps by lashing out or saying something hurtful. But what if, instead of reacting impulsively, you paused for a moment?
In that pause, ask yourself, "What am I really feeling right now?" This is your opportunity to drop the hot potato before you do or say something you’ll regret. By taking that moment to reflect, you can choose to respond in a way that aligns with being on the same team.
Once you’ve dropped the metaphorical potato, it’s important to communicate with your partner in a way that fosters connection rather than division. Here are some examples of what you can say to your partner after you notice the hot potato and drop it:
“I’m feeling really upset right now, and I need a moment to calm down before we continue this conversation.”
“I just realized that I’m getting triggered. Let’s take a break and come back to this when we’re both feeling calmer.”
“I’m noticing that something you said has brought up some strong emotions for me. Can we talk about what’s really going on here?”
“I don’t want to react out of anger. Let’s figure out how we can work through this together.”
These kinds of statements not only help you manage your own emotions, but they also remind your partner that you’re both on the same team. You’re not trying to win an argument or prove a point; you’re trying to navigate a difficult moment together.
And here’s something important to remember: Both of you are teachers for each other. The things that trigger you about each other are actually valuable information. They’re not just annoyances or things to be avoided; they’re opportunities for growth and deeper understanding.
When you view your partner as a teacher, even in moments of conflict, you start to see these triggers as signs pointing to areas where you can both learn and grow. It’s about transforming these challenges into chances to strengthen your relationship. Instead of reacting with frustration, you can approach these moments with curiosity, asking yourself, What is this trigger trying to teach me? and How can we use this to become even stronger as a team?
It’s in these moments of reflection and thoughtful communication that trust is built and strengthened. By acknowledging your triggers and choosing to drop the hot potato, you create space for a more compassionate and understanding dialogue. And when both partners are committed to this practice, it transforms the entire dynamic of the relationship, making it a safe space where intimacy can truly flourish.
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